A note before we begin:
This is one father’s experience, not professional advice. Every child and every school is different. If your child is being hurt, frightened, or seems withdrawn for a long time, please speak with the school and, where needed, a child development professional.
The Words I Say Every Morning
My son is four.
Every morning, at the school gate, before he walks in, I bend down and tell him the same three things:
Don’t start a fight.
If someone else starts one, tell your teacher.
And if that doesn’t work, stand up for yourself.
He nods. He holds my hand a little longer than he needs to. And then, almost every single morning, he says the same thing back to me:
“Baba, jaldi lene aana.”
(Baba, come to pick me up early.)
For a long time, I heard that sentence as something sweet. A little boy who loves his father.
Now I hear it differently.
Lively at Home. Silent at School.
At home, my son is a storm of energy. He runs, he laughs, he asks questions, he tells long stories that go nowhere and everywhere at once.
At school, he is quiet.
Not for a week. Not for a difficult month. For six months.
His marks are good. His teachers say he does his work. On paper, nothing is wrong.
But a child who does his work in silence and asks every morning to be collected early is telling us something. Not with words, but with behaviour.
I wrote once about the quiet child in the back of the classroom. I did not expect to be watching that child walk through the gate every morning with my own son’s face.
Researchers who study temperament have long described some children as “slow to warm up.” They are cautious in new places, quiet with unfamiliar people, and they need more time before they feel safe enough to be themselves. There is nothing wrong with these children. But a slow-to-warm-up child in a large, noisy classroom can easily go unnoticed. And a child who goes unnoticed can also become an easy target.
Then Came the Food. Then the Money.
It started small.
Another boy in his class began taking my son’s food. Once. Then again. The first couple of times, it stayed between the children. My son did not make a fuss. He is not a child who makes a fuss.
Then we told the teacher.
And nothing happened.
I want to be fair here. I have seen those classrooms. One teacher, thirty or thirty-five small children. Crying, spilling, fighting, needing the toilet, needing attention, all at once. A complaint about a lunchbox can easily feel small in a day like that.
But to a four-year-old, it is not small. It is his food. It is his day. And it is his first lesson in whether the adults around him will protect him when he asks.
Then one day, I found out that the same boy had taken money from my son. More than before.
I was angry.
The Day I Went Myself
At home time, I went to find the boy.
I will be honest: I walked over with anger in my chest. I was ready to say something hard.
And then I saw him.
He was my son’s age. A small boy. The same height, the same little shoulders, the same school bag.
The anger did not disappear, but it changed shape. Whatever was happening with this child, he was also someone’s son. He was also four. And I did not want to become the adult who frightened a child to teach my own child not to be frightened.
So I spoke to him gently. And I spoke to him firmly. I made it very clear that what he had done was not okay, that my son was not alone, and that if it happened again, there would be real consequences.
I did not shout. I did not humiliate him. But he understood that the line was there.
And it never happened again.
Was That the Right Thing to Do?
I have thought about this a lot.
Part of me is glad I went. My son saw that when the system failed him, his father did not look away.
But I also know that most guidance for parents says something different: don’t confront another person’s child directly. Go through the school. Emotions run high, misunderstandings happen, and a parent approaching someone else’s child can create a new problem instead of solving the old one.
So here is what I believe now. If I faced it again, I would go to the principal first, and I would put it in writing, before I ever approached the child myself.
I share my own story not as a model to copy, but as an honest picture of what a parent feels when a small complaint is ignored for too long.
What I Told My Son Afterwards
That evening, I sat with my son and we talked.
I told him that standing up for yourself is not the same as fighting.
Fighting means hitting, grabbing, shouting to hurt someone.
Standing up for yourself means saying clearly: “No. That’s mine. Stop.” It means telling a teacher. And if the teacher doesn’t help, it means telling again, louder, and telling your parents. It means you are allowed to protect what is yours.
Children are not born knowing this. Many gentle, well-behaved children have been taught so thoroughly to “be nice” and “share” that they don’t realise they are also allowed to refuse.
We teach children to be kind. We must also teach them that kindness does not mean letting others take from you.
How to Teach Your Child to Stand Up for Themselves
Here is what has helped us, and what child development research broadly supports.
1. Give them the exact words
Young children do not have ready-made sentences under pressure. Give them short, simple ones to practise:
- “No. That’s mine.”
- “Stop. I don’t like that.”
- “I’m telling the teacher.”
Short sentences are easier to remember when a child’s heart is racing.
2. Practise the body, not just the words
A confident voice is only half of it. Teach your child to stand straight, look at the other child, and speak clearly, not in a whisper. Research on bullying consistently finds that children who look uncertain are more likely to be targeted, and that practising assertive responses can help.
3. Draw the line between assertive and aggressive
Children need to hear it clearly and often:
- Assertive: protecting yourself with words and by getting help.
- Aggressive: hurting someone else.
The first is always allowed. The second is not.
4. Make “telling” feel safe, and follow up
If a child tells a teacher and nothing happens, they learn that telling is pointless. So when your child tells you, take it seriously every time, even when it sounds small. Small complaints are how children test whether bigger ones are safe to share.
5. Ask better questions after school
“How was school?” gets “Fine.”
Try instead:
- “Who did you sit with at lunch?”
- “Did anyone make you feel sad today?”
- “What was the best and worst part of today?”
My son’s food problem came out slowly. Better questions bring things out sooner.
6. Watch the signs your child can’t say out loud
Quietness at school for months, not wanting to go, asking to be picked up early, lunch coming home untouched or missing, money or things disappearing. None of these alone means something is wrong. But together, they are worth paying attention to.
How to Work With the School
This is the part I wish I had done better and sooner.
- Start with the teacher, calmly. Assume good intentions. Teachers are often stretched thin.
- If nothing changes, go to the principal. Don’t wait for it to get worse.
- Put it in writing. A short, polite note or email with dates and what happened. Written complaints are harder to overlook, and they create a record.
- Ask what the school will do, and when you should expect an update.
- Don’t approach the other child or their parents in anger. Let the school handle the other family where possible.
- Tell your child what you’ve done. “I spoke to the principal today” tells a child that their voice led to action.
Practising Courage Through Play: Charades for Standing Tall
Children learn best what they can act out. That is why we practise courage at home through a simple game of charades.
Write these on slips of paper, and take turns acting them out while others guess:
- A brave lion standing tall
- Someone saying “No, that’s mine!” (with actions only)
- A person holding up a hand to say “Stop”
- Walking to the teacher to ask for help
- A superhero with a confident face
- Someone being a kind friend
- Sharing because you choose to
Then flip it around. Ask your child to show you what a scared face looks like, and then change it into a brave face. Children remember what their bodies have practised.
For more ideas, try our charades generator or our list of charades ideas for kids.
Closing: The Words That Stay
Every morning, I still say my three things at the school gate.
Don’t start a fight. Tell your teacher. Stand up for yourself.
And every morning, he still says, “Baba, jaldi lene aana.”
I don’t know yet how long it will take for my son to feel at home in that classroom. But I know this: he now understands that he is allowed to say no, that his voice matters, and that when he speaks, someone will listen.
We don’t need to raise children who fight. We need to raise children who know they are worth protecting, including by themselves.
Frequently Asked Questions
At what age can a child learn to stand up for themselves?
Children as young as three or four can learn simple, assertive phrases like “No, that’s mine” or “Stop, I don’t like that.” At this age, the key is short words, lots of practice at home, and knowing that a trusted adult will back them up.
What is the difference between standing up for yourself and fighting?
Standing up for yourself means protecting yourself with clear words and by asking for help. Fighting means trying to hurt someone else. Children should learn that the first is always allowed, and the second is not.
What should I do if the teacher ignores my child’s complaint?
Stay calm and go to the principal. Put your concern in writing, with dates and what happened, and ask what steps the school will take. A written complaint is harder to overlook and creates a clear record.
Should I talk to the other child or their parents directly?
It is usually better to let the school handle it. Approaching another family in anger can make the situation harder. If you do speak to the other child, stay calm, be gentle, and never frighten or humiliate them.
My child is lively at home but quiet at school. Should I worry?
Many children are naturally “slow to warm up” in new places, and that is normal. But if your child stays silent for months, doesn’t want to go to school, or shows other signs of distress, speak with the teacher, and consider consulting a child development professional.
How can play help a shy child become more confident?
Play gives children a safe space to practise. Games like charades let them act out brave postures, strong voices, and asking for help, so these actions feel familiar when they need them in real life.